How to upstage the bride
What to wear to celebrate
In season 2 episode 7 of “Sex and the City,” the girls and Big attend the wedding of Madeleine Dunn. The ladies meet for lunch, and the question of what they’ll wear comes up:
Charlotte: “Wait till you guys see my bridesmaid dress.”
Miranda: “Is it hideous?”
Charlotte: “No! We got to pick our own. It’s this amazing backless black satin.”
Samantha: “Hmmm. Pretty sexy for a bridesmaid.”
Charlotte: “Well, all Madeline said that it had to be black!”
Samantha: “Honey, calm down.”
Charlotte: “No! I’ve been tasteful and appropriate at seven other weddings. I’m always Charlotte, don't look at me, look at the bride. This time people are gonna look at me.”
I’d never paid attention to this dialogue until I began writing this newsletter. What I remember from this episode is Charlotte’s black satin bridesmaid dress and the way it moved when she walked. Carrie’s blush sequined dress stands out now because the internet would freak out that she dared to wear something “bridal adjacent.” But in the next scene, a guest walks by in a gold ankle length dress with a full skirt and Samantha is in a gold strapless column dress. Other guests in this scene include several women in long white and white-adjacent dresses. Miranda’s hair is big. The episode aired in 1998.
When did we decide it was abominable to wear white to a wedding? When did we decide it was abominable to want to look good at someone else’s wedding?
***
While reading several articles about how to dress as a wedding guest, I noticed a recurring piece of advice: You are background actors, this isn’t about you. But how is your sister’s wedding not about you? Before you answer, I want to tell you about the TikTok I watched last year that forced me to write this newsletter. In it, a woman asks the viewer’s take on a group chat about wedding outfit options with her friends. The group is split on one specific dress. Some think it’s too elaborate, and others encourage her to wear it. I found this video on Twitter with a caption that said, “The reason you’re asking us if this dress is too elaborate is because you think it is.” Everyone agreed it was a beautiful dress, but many accused this woman of wanting to upstage the bride.
How do you upstage someone who is most likely wearing a white WEDDING dress? Is it your fault if you manage to do the impossible?
***
Nigerians celebrate everything, and for us that means dressing to the nines. At least once a month when I was growing up, Femi Daramola street was blocked off with rows of canopies for someone’s party. I don’t remember whether the neighbors sent flyers out to inform my grandmother and other inhabitants of their celebrations, but we dressed up in our best to celebrate a neighbor’s child’s birthday party, a wedding reception, or a marriage anniversary.
Even after I moved to the States, my family attended multiple parties per month. The harsh midwestern winters didn’t stop Nigerians from renting out halls to celebrate a high school graduation, baby shower, wedding receptions, anniversaries, 40th birthdays, funeral parties.
We planned our outfits for all of these celebrations for months in hopes that the special events tailor would deliver exactly what we asked for before the big day. At most of these celebrations, an aso ebi — a Yoruba word that means family cloth —would be picked out. In the past, family members wore the same fabric to signify that they were the celebrants. Some families had the same tailor sew all the garments. It was so beautiful to see rows of people in the same fabric, and yet, each person stood out in their chosen design. This practice has extended beyond family members to encompass the guests in the last two decades. In some cases, like weddings and funerals, the aso ebi is a required purchase to attend the ceremony; other times, the celebrants specify which colors guests can wear. At weddings, it is customary for the bride and groom to wear a different fabric than their guests and relatives.
From 2013 until 2019, the most fascinating and exciting Instagram account I followed would post the best wedding guest outfits in Nigeria. In its heyday, many Nigerians, especially diaspora Nigerians, used this Instagram to keep up with trends in wedding guests’ aso ebi design trends. The best of the photos would take hold of trends for months, until the next design came along, a perfect marriage of Western silhouettes and traditional Nigerian styles. Each bride and wedding guest featured on the account was a reminder that tailoring makes all the difference. (But that was until the corset trend took a hold of Nigeria, which introduced homogeneity and the end of the creativity that made the outfits exciting to look at.)
I called my friend Adedoyin, who is more up-to-date on Nigerian wedding culture, and asked her whether Nigerian guests had also adopted the Western fear of upstaging the bride. She says that it isn’t that Nigerians aren’t worried about upstaging the bride, it’s that Nigerian wedding guest culture is almost as important as the wedding itself. She reminded me that Nigerians show up all the time to parties where they know no one. Usually, the invites come from someone who was invited by someone else. Regardless of who invites you, you’re expected to dress in your best—you might even offend someone for coming in anything less. In America, by contrast, weddings are one of the only occasions when people celebrate themselves and others. All of our desires to be the center of attention are concentrated on this one day instead of spread through micro and significant celebrations throughout life. The wedding becomes a showcase for the bride rather than a celebration of all kinds of love. It’s not enough that you’re getting married; everyone has to feel and look like shit, especially your bridesmaids. (Nothing showcases the Western attitude towards bridesmaids like the movie “27 Dresses.” As you watch Katherine Heigl’s character rush through the city to three wedding ceremonies in one night and by the end, you wonder if she even knew these brides intimately. When we finally see all twenty-seven of her bridesmaids dresses, each one is more horrendous than the last, and you knew the bride hated her bridesmaids.)
These days, I see more “okay” not yet stunning bridesmaid dresses than ugly ones. Because we document significant events online, it has become more important for a wedding photo to be appealing on Instagram than it is to visibly hate your bridesmaids. In fact, it’s declasse to visibly hate your bridesmaids because the comment section will eat you alive. However, here is a list of restrictions to ensure you still feel your worst.
I also wonder about the impact of Solange’s wedding photos in 2014. When the photos of the bride and her bridal party in all white in that hall dropped online, it changed bridal history. I don’t need to describe the photo because you know the one. Although everyone is wearing white, you know who the bride is.
I’ve observed this perfect tension between homogeneity and difference in queer weddings. Whenever I see photos of friends of friends on Instagram, everyone dresses to the nines, but you know who the couple is. The straights™ have yet to master this tension because marriages remain the most important achievement for most women, although most pretend things have changed. Look at the ruckus Sophia Richie’s dull wedding caused for months last year.
Someone posted in the chat about needing help for what to wear to a wedding. Except for when people spiral about what to wear for maternity, I don’t think I have ever seen the kind of existential crisis when people in the West have fancy events to attend.
But the answer to the dilemma is this: If those of us in the West celebrated more, we’d have more practice with celebrating, and with it, knowing what to wear and what to buy for a wedding, your best friend’s birthday dinner, your book launch party, and so on. Celebrating allows us to practice how to be the center of attention without sucking all the air from the room.
(The answer to the other question is simple: Buy what you’d typically wear in a larger size; buy things with elasticized waists; and decide if you want to show your belly.)
Here’s how to upstage the bride
Your special events wardrobe should cover cocktail attire (whatever that means these days), black tie and farm weddings, and whatever else is in-between. You must consider every aspect: Hair, makeup, accessories (jewelry, belts, scarves, shoes, bags), and clothes because the wrong shoes will ruin whatever effort you put into the other aspects. You need to buy those fancy shoes and for the love of god invest in evening bags PLEASE. Now would be the time to add those costume earrings and the chunky silver necklace rotting in your eBay watch list.
Most people want their special events clothes to work for a park date, and baby, I want to be as delusional as you. You might occasionally overlap in function for your less formal clothes, but would you wear a beaded ankle-length dress for a walk? I didn’t think so. To avoid the existential crisis of “a closet full of clothes; nothing to wear,” you must plan. You must buy the dress you want before you need it. If it costs $700, it’s OK that it doesn’t fit you exactly how you want because it isn't bespoke. Expecting anything more is setting yourself up for disappointment. If you cannot afford to buy a $700 dress and spend $200 on alterations to make it feel like a second skin, buy a $500 dress and spend $200 on alterations.
(I have learned that it isn't that a garment is poorly constructed; it's that this one pattern is supposed to fit the masses, which is too much pressure. Find brands that make clothes that fit your body as closely as you want and tailor the rest. Notice the subtle details that affect fit: rise, shoulders, button and pocket placements, style, etc. You’ll quickly learn you prefer blazers with more than two buttons and you hate a double-breasted jacket. You might also discover that shoulder pads are more important for structure and fit than you think. Be observant and play!)
My special events wardrobe took practice, tailoring, and familiarizing myself with what I liked. When I set out to rebuild my wardrobe last year, my special events wardrobe felt like the most daunting task because I didn’t know what pieces I wanted and what to prioritize for later. I began saving pictures and noting what I liked, and in a year, I have amassed most of what I need. I have budgeted for tailoring almost as much as I planned what to buy because, of course! I am almost done buying, returning, and making multiple trips to the tailor shop. I will continue next year as I wear through and learn from what I currently have.
When I asked in the chat on the Substack app about wedding themes and destinations you had this season and plenty of you responded. I initially assumed I would create outfits for the answers I loved the most, but I soon realized it would be too prescriptive. Instead, I have grouped your answers by event type, location/settings, and weather.
While deciding what to wear for the newsletter, I thought of other reasons to celebrate and how all of the outfits below translate for those functions. I hope you can find wedding guest attire and what to wear to your graduation, birthday celebrations, fancy or not-so-fancy dinners, and more.